Blessed with the grace of Allah we were given an opportunity to continue with our lives to see another year. I'm not going to put images in this post today. I tend to get distracted from editing the photos ended up with posting nothing but graphic rather than expressing my thoughts.
Things have changed when my 2012 started. With all the adjusting my so called new life here in UK, though seemed so surreal most of the time; a dream comes into the realms of reality. It did not gave me content and fulfillment throughout the journey.
Remember during our early days of Primary school, we had the G-Shock magazines to be purchased for a price of $0.70 in which I spent my pocket money on living me with a few cents to barely buy me a meal for the day. I remembered everyone in the class bought one of tactical g-shock watches because it was an in-trend (bless those days when technology was a complicated spelling.) My teacher suggested us to turn to page 8 to read an article presumable based on a true story about a girl who is smart and hard-working stayed up all night to study for her exams accompanied by an oil-lamp. She achieve the top grade and got a scholarship overseas to further her studies.
It was the total reward to study abroad which had been the collective goal of all students back home. The attached expectations of a prestige university, indisputable reputation, high-acceptance and adoration from your relatives and friends as well of the proud feeling of your parents to know their effort was finally worthed invested. For kids during those age, we often thought that was the happy ending. Things would fall into the right place and everyone would be happy; family would love you, friends started to express their longing desire to know you more than and hope for a yes to be the sweet couple before the day of your departure, enemies would hit reality and became humble which led to forgiveness and new-bond of friendship not forgetting the exquisite dream that you'll be rich and have steady job with a loving family as a result (suddenly a sport car appear in the picture)
What an imagination and yet possible to happen. I have to admit, it used to be like that but, as I set my foot at the same situation. I realized, it was not an entirely happy ending. It was another chapter of a journey. More challenges and self-discovery about everything including yourself. It was never wrong to aim higher but, to expect things would end in a beautiful movie plot is out of the question now.
I love my independent lifestyle here. I embrace it fully because I always seek for liberty. It is not a form of escapism; the truth is, liberty is in your mind although you are attached with responsibilities over your shoulders. The liberty to set your foot on a foreign soil and breathe the air of a different breeze. It was never about the instant gratification you get with the privilege you obtain for your so called 'past achievement'. Yea sure, have a life and dig the fun, its harmless and yet, I can assure you the feeling was rather temporary. Like Mee Maggie would proudly acclaimed "Cepat dimasak, enak dimakan" and boom, your cholesterol level and fat content increased exponentially. Hello medicine & middle age-diet.
But, if you internalised the experience and convert it into a plausible lesson for life, you developed a greater satisfaction for gaining a treasure known as wisdom. Data compiled to be information which heightens to wisdom. You can buy all those branded stuff and brag about the place you've visited but, I don't actually see the point unless you understand the value of it. Believe me, it was not meant for me to be in that situation where you became a manequin of consumerism. You're giving a business a favor. Not for yourself.
My main point that I was trying to convey was, 2012 was a rough spiritual journey for me. It challenged my will power plus my urges to the basic gratification. Pleasure, lust, pride and basically the siblings of the 7 sins were hanging somewhere nearby. I stumbled to some but, nothing too drastic. Yes, I still resent the idea of smoking and drinking on the otherhand, I began to understand why it is part of the culture here. The civilised way is to accept for what it is and let them with their culture. Reality is not pretty. Feeling numb was the worst to be engaged with by far. The creativity block was a disaster and it was awful for me. Pisces like me rely on our creativity and imagination. Losing the vision was like an amputation of your own limb.
Honestly, I accept the fact that I am no longer a child and that means responsibility will follow me everywhere. Running away wont solve anything and solving it just didn't seem a good idea at the moment. Then it piled up to hills of untouchables until to the point, I guess this little kid learn to grow up. Well, finally.
Will it be an easy road for me? I don't know. I was never sure of anything. I have around 365days to figure that out and perhaps it may lead to perfection that I have longed for. What's more, it would become a dream come true to return back to my old self when that child was full of enthusiasm and passion about life. Where is she? :'-)
2013, we will hold hands and walk together.
(The light for them.)